The Story of Bert
by diesoz
Summary: Have you ever wondered where Bert, Abby's farting hippo, came from? This is the story of where Bert came from and what he means to Abby. It's just a short piece that's meant to be fun. Enjoy!


"Perhaps I am still unaccustomed to your American ways...is it normal to have a stuffed animal that makes such noises?" Ziva held Abby's pet hippo at arm's length.

"There is nothing wrong with Bert." Abby snatched Bert into a hug eliciting another fart. "He understands me."

"But is it not unusual for a children's toy to make rude noises?"

"Bert is not a toy Ziva. He's my friend and he does not appreciate you talking bad about him. Especially when he can hear you." She nuzzled Bert's head.

"Oh, well, I, uh, I-I apologize if I offended Bert," Ziva said her confusion having grown instead of diminished. "Do you have the results from the substance from the shoe?"

"I told Gibbs it would be two hours until I got the results, two, not one and a half, but two." She paused as if to give Ziva a chance to respond, but continued as soon as Ziva opened her mouth. "But because I am the best, here you are." She pulled a paper off the printer.

* * *

"Where did Bert come from?"

"Uh, excuse me?" McGee looked up from his computer and across the bullpen to where Ziva sat tapping her pen on her desk.

"Bert; Abby's flatulent hippo. Where did it come from?"

"Uh...I'm not sure," he answered slowly. "Is there something wrong?"

"No," Ziva answered quickly and confidently. "She just seems very attached to it. I wondered why."

"Did you ask Abby about it?"

"Well, I, I'm afraid I may have offended Abby, and Bert, on that subject when I asked if it was normal for him to make those noises." She looked down at her desk, ashamed.

"I think you could probably still ask her. She doesn't really hold grudges."

"Do you not think it is odd that she has such an attachment to a not real object?"

McGee looked as if it was the first time he had considered it. "Actually, when it comes to Abby, I don't think most of what she does is odd because she's Abby. That's just who she is."

Ziva thought on that before responding. "So, what you are saying—"

"Grab your gear. We've got another body." Gibbs interrupted effectively putting any further discussion of Bert on hold.

* * *

"Hey Abs."

"McGee. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Abby looked genuinely pleased to see him.

"The boss thought you might like some help going through the hard drives," McGee said happily. Abby turned a wary eye to him and he quickly covered his mistake. "Not that you need the help, he just wants it done faster."

Abby's radiant smile reappeared and she brought McGee up to speed on what needed to be done. The two worked in what would have been silence if not for Abby's music. Today she had chosen a selection from Brain Matter.

"I don't know. It doesn't make any sense," Abby muttered.

"Uh, what?" McGee looked up from his screen not quite hearing her over the music.

"Oh, sorry Timmy. I was talking to Bert." She signaled the stuffed hippo sitting next to her screen. "He suggested simply using the search function to find it, but it doesn't make sense that someone with the Lieutenant's training and knowledge would leave a trail that easy to follow."

"Probably not, but you could always give it a try. What could it hurt?"

Abby scowled at him and pulled up the search function. She hastily typed in the query and looked triumphantly at Bert and then to McGee when nothing came up. "See? I told you it wouldn't work."

"You, uh, you misspelled it." McGee pointed to her screen.

Abby heaved an exaggerated sigh and retyped the objective spelling it audibly for McGee's benefit. "Even when it's spelled right," Abby began, but was interrupted by a quick, beeping. "...you get a hit!" She clapped her hands in victory and picked her stuffed friend up and swung him around. "I knew I should have trusted you Bert! You never let me down." She squeezed him to her chest and a fart was just barely heard over the music. "Isn't Bert amazing Timmy?"

"Uh, well," he stammered not sure how to respond. "He's not real Abby, but a farting hippo is unique."

Abby scoffed. "Bert is so real. He's the most reliable person I know. Well, besides—"

"What do you have for me Abby?"

"Gibbs. Speak of the devil. How do you always do that?"

"What do you got?" Gibbs waved the giant Caf-pow! cup in front of her. She took it with one hand, sipped, and set Bert down to have a free hand to begin showing Gibbs what she'd found.

"Well, McGee and I had been searching through the hard drives looking for the file when Bert had the brilliant idea to do a simple search for it," Abby said and waving towards the screen. "Voilà."

"What's it say Abs?" Gibbs was, as usual, unconcerned with how the file was found.

"I was just going to check." Abby turned back to the computer screen with a little bounce and double clicked the file name. "Oh," she said dejectedly.

"It's encrypted," McGee supplied.

"Then un-encrypt it."

"On it Boss."

"Really Gibbs, how do you—" Abby sighed. "He's gone. Guess it's just me and you again Bert."

"Hey!"

"Sorry Timmy. You know I'm used to working alone."

"I didn't realize I was so easily forgettable." Abby rolled her eyes and set to work on the decryption. Once a flow had been established in the decryption of the Lieutenant's files, McGee ventured a conversation.

"Abby?" She gave a noncommittal noise, not pausing in her typing. "Where did Bert come from?"

"Louisiana." Abby answered without hesitation, but then paused. "Well, actually, I'm not sure if he's originally from Louisiana, but I got him when I was at LSU. I was triple majoring in Sociology, Criminology, and Psychology. It was a bit stressful, especially my last year." She sighed and started typing again.

McGee waited for her to continue, but when she showed no signs of giving more information, he prompted her. "And Bert came into that how?"

"Oh, my roommate got him for me during finals my second to last semester and he's been with me ever since. I mean, how can you be stressed when your stuffed hippo farts at you?" McGee opened his mouth to answer, but realized he didn't have one and closed his mouth once more. "Got him!" Abby turned her smile to him.

McGee read over the now perfectly comprehensible screen and said "I'll call Gibbs."

* * *

**A/N:** I'd really appreciate any feedback you guys could give! This is my first NCIS fic and would love to read your review! Can you hear it? The review button is calling your name...


End file.
